Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes About - funny

• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. ... Groucho Marx {view}
• A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. ... Erma Bombeck {view}
• A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. ... George Bernard Shaw {view}
• A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. ... Bob Hope {view}
• A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. ... Kevin Nealon {view}
• A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. ... Yogi Berra {view}
• A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas." ... Claude Pepper {view}
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ... Lana Turner {view}
• A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. ... Jerry Seinfeld {view}
• A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. ... Bill Cosby {view}
• All men are equal before fish. ... Herbert Hoover {view}
• All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. ... Casey Stengel {view}
• Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. ... Bill Cosby {view}
• Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. ... Hedy Lamarr {view}
• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ... Groucho Marx {view}
• As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. ... Buddy Hackett {view}
• As I get older, I just prefer to knit. ... Tracey Ullman {view}
• Be obscure clearly. ... E. B. White {view}
• Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. ... P. J. O'Rourke {view}
• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. ... Jim Carrey {view}
• Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ... Mae West {view}
• Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. ... Bette Davis {view}
• By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ... Mark Twain {view}
• California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. ... Fred Allen {view}
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. ... Steven Wright {view}
• Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. ... Hesiod {view}
• Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. ... Jay Leno {view}
• Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. ... Robert Benchley {view}
• Electricity is really just organized lightning. ... George Carlin {view}
• Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. ... Jerry Lewis {view}
• Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. ... P. J. O'Rourke {view}
• Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. ... Milton Berle {view}
• Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. ... Victor Hugo {view}
• Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. ... Bill Cosby {view}
• Food is an important part of a balanced diet. ... Fran Lebowitz {view}
• Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. ... Cathy Guisewite {view}
• Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. ... Mark Twain {view}
• Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ... Mark Twain {view}
• Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. ... Erma Bombeck {view}
• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ... George Burns {view}
• Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. ... Marilyn vos Savant {view}
• He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. ... Zsa Zsa Gabor {view}
• Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? ... Phyllis Diller {view}
• How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. ... Emo Philips {view}
• I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ... Lily Tomlin {view}
• I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. ... Woody Allen {view}
• I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. ... Stephen King {view}
• I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. ... Steven Wright {view}
• I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. ... Warren Buffett {view}
• I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. ... David Letterman {view}
• I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. ... W. C. Fields {view}
• I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. ... Imelda Marcos {view}
• I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. ... Joe E. Lewis {view}
• I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. ... Paula Poundstone {view}
• I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. ... Fred Allen {view}
• I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. ... Stephen Fry {view}
• I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. ... Samuel Goldwyn {view}
• I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. ... Mitch Hedberg {view}
• I failed to make the chess team because of my height. ... Woody Allen {view}
• I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ... Frank Sinatra {view}
• I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. ... Rodney Dangerfield {view}
• I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. ... Charles M. Schulz {view}
• I have never been hurt by what I have not said. ... Calvin Coolidge {view}
• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ... Elayne Boosler {view}
• I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. ... Robert Benchley {view}
• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. ... Rodney Dangerfield {view}
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ... Steven Wright {view}
• I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. ... Joan Rivers {view}
• I like children - fried. ... W. C. Fields {view}
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ... Fred Allen {view}
• I like marriage. The idea. ... Toni Morrison {view}
• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. ... Rodney Dangerfield {view}
• I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. ... Walt Disney {view}
• I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ... W. C. Fields {view}
• I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. ... Will Rogers {view}
• I never said most of the things I said. ... Yogi Berra {view}
• I rant, therefore I am. ... Dennis Miller {view}
• I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. ... Jay London {view}
• I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. ... Groucho Marx {view}
• I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. ... Paul Lynde {view}
• I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. ... George Burns {view}
• I think serial monogamy says it all. ... Tracey Ullman {view}
• I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. ... Ellen DeGeneres {view}
• I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. ... Mae West {view}
• I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. ... David Lee Roth {view}
• I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. ... Les Dawson {view}
• I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. ... Norman Wisdom {view}
• I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. ... Emo Philips {view}
• I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. ... Emo Philips {view}
• I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. ... Rod Schmidt {view}
• I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. ... Mitch Hedberg {view}
• I wish I had the nerve not to tip. ... Paul Lynde {view}
• I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. ... Bertrand Russell {view}
• I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. ... Howard Nemerov {view}
• I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. ... Bette Davis {view}
• I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. ... Mercedes McCambridge {view}
• I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. ... Carl Sandburg {view}
• I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more. ... James Brown {view}
• I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. ... Will Rogers {view}
• I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. ... Hillary Clinton {view}
• I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. ... Elayne Boosler {view}
• If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ... Lily Tomlin {view}
• If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. ... Woody Allen {view}
• If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? ... Lily Tomlin {view}
• If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. ... Laurence J. Peter {view}
• In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. ... George Carlin {view}
• In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. ... Rita Rudner {view}
• It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. ... Jay London {view}
• It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. ... Dave Barry {view}
• It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. ... Johnny Vegas {view}
• It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. ... H. L. Mencken {view}
• Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. ... Lenny Bruce {view}
• Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. ... Henry A. Kissinger {view}
• Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. ... Bill Vaughan {view}
• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. ... Mitch Hedberg {view}
• My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. ... Spike Milligan {view}
• My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. ... Jay London {view}
• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. ... Ellen DeGeneres {view}
• My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. ... Angie Dickinson {view}
• My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. ... Mike Myers {view}
• My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? ... Margaret Smith {view}
• Never fight an inanimate object. ... P. J. O'Rourke {view}
• Never floss with a stranger. ... Joan Rivers {view}
• Never have more children than you have car windows. ... Erma Bombeck {view}
• Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. ... Robert Orben {view}
• Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. ... H. L. Mencken {view}
• O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. ... Saint Augustine {view}
• Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. ... Robert Orben {view}
• One man's folly is another man's wife. ... Helen Rowland {view}
• One picture is worth 1,000 denials. ... Ronald Reagan {view}
• Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. ... Laurence J. Peter {view}
• Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. ... Lewis Mumford {view}
• Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. ... Samuel Butler {view}
• Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. ... Chevy Chase {view}
• People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. ... Ellen DeGeneres {view}
• Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. ... Don Marquis {view}
• Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. ... Ronald Reagan {view}
• Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. ... Oscar Levant {view}
• Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. ... Brooke Shields {view}
• Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. ... Alfred Hitchcock {view}
• That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. ... Joe Rogan {view}
• The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. ... Al Gore {view}
• The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. ... Dave Barry {view}
• The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. ... Natalie Wood {view}
• The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. ... Jay Leno {view}
• The superfluous, a very necessary thing. ... Voltaire {view}
• The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. ... Joe E. Lewis {view}
• There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. ... Chris Rock {view}
• There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. ... Henry A. Kissinger {view}
• There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. ... Josh Billings {view}
• There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. ... Kevin James {view}
• There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. ... Dennis Miller {view}
• Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. ... Mel Brooks {view}
• TV is chewing gum for the eyes. ... Frank Lloyd Wright {view}